Sunday, July 10, 2011

How To Make Iced Coffee

How To Make Iced Coffee
Okay, so like, Rose Glickman posted a question on her Facebook wall, "Does anybody know how to make iced coffe" and so I wrote...

Ooh. I'm good at this cuz I watch Ina Garten The Barefoot Contessa, on the Food Network all the time. Okay, Jeffrey is about to get out of bed and it's hot, right? So Ina decides it's a great morning for iced coffee. She goes out in her stunning garden and picks some peonies that rival any you've seen in any world class gardening and flower exposition. Okay, so she stretches and Michael her fag gardener comes over and she sends him out onto the east veranda where coffee will later be served with a variety of French pastries, home-made fruit tarts, home-made sugar cubes, a few of her own home grown lemons arranged perfectly in a bowl along with her best dishes: white French china from the south of France, circa the early 1800's, demi-tasse cups from Italy, hand painted Italian napkins and the cutest little silver spoons, forks and knives from a silver spoon, fork and knife maker in South Hampton.

Michael will make bouquets of peonies,, daffodils and french lavender and encorporate English roses that are the most-pale pink hybrid known to man, to be strategically placed around her Hampton estate.

Ina jumps in her black mercedes and runs to one of the local shops in the East Hamptons and they do a whole segment on coffee beans, right? So then, she goes back to her kitchen just in time to see Jeffrey tucking his penis into his underpants while scratching his nut sack. As he walks into the kitchen. Ina gives him a short peck on the cheek because he really doesn't like it on the lips, he's so gay.

Then she grinds the coffee in a Sunbeam open-electric 2500 series grinder and puts the grounds into a French press where she adds purified water, a pinch of salt, creme de' cacao, a few tablespoons of brandy because, who doesn't like that,
Right? She espresses the coffee into an 18th century coffee pot made of sterling silver with a black hand-carved onyx handle and then places it on a silver serving tray along with creme' fresh, where she whisks it to the back yard where Jeffrey and Michael have just finished having butt-sex, she sets the tray down and screams: ACK! I forgot the ice! She rushes back in, grabs some cubes from the freezer and voila: Iced coffee.

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