Friday, November 18, 2011
The Day I Accidentally Pooped In A Public Jacuzzi
The Day I Accidentally Pooped in a Public Jacuzzi
I have never liked Florida.
I’ve tried to like it.
But I don't.
My family went there on vacation when I was a kid, and I never saw any redeeming value to it. My partner and I have gone there from time to time, for various reasons, and eh, I still don’t like it.
Well, we had to go down to Florida this past spring for some repairs on our RV. If you know RV’s and you know Florida, you know there is a state of the art service & sales facility there. It's top of the line in ripping people off.
It’s located in Seffner, Florida and man oh man do they take in the rich people and fleece them for all the cash they can get their hands on.
This operation is so smooth, that while people are waiting for their RV to be serviced, they have sales associates who will wheel you around their estate grounds and show you the latest in RV technology state of the art equipment with recreation vehicles that cost two hundred grand and up.
They even serve a free breakfast, lunch and dinner in their restaurant.
We went inside a bunch of the half million dollar motor homes for sale, just for fun, and they had marble floors. The ceilings in these motor homes looked like something out of Las Vegas with halogen lights, granite countertops, marble floors, convection ovens, double flat screen televisions, washers and dryers, marble bathrooms and surround sound stereo systems that would put most movie theaters out of business.
If you stop in this particular RV super center and luxury campground for any service, and you have any money, chances are you will be driving out of there less a quarter to half a million dollars or more.
I know that for a fact, because we saw it happen. This place must have sold one hundred new RV’s in the few days were were there. I think I read that they sell four hundred to five hundred RV’s per month. No shit.
The brakes in our RV went out, and we had to limp in there for repair. Get this, the super center is so big, and so full of 40’ motor coaches that they have 200 service bays, and they’re all full.
So we’re stuck in this Florida shit-hole for a few days because we don’t have brakes and the minute we pull in, our air conditioning goes out and it’s ninety degrees outside. And typical of Florida in late March and April, it’s not only hot, the humidity makes it feel like it’s as sticky and stinky as living in the bottom of a dirty clothes hamper filled with shit stained underpants and t-shirts soaked with body odor pile on top of you.
I hate that kind of humidity. Makes my hair curl & frizz up and I want to gag.
Bright side: there is a dazzling swimming pool, bar and Jacuzzi under a gauzed canopy and swaying palm trees. I figure if I’m going to be stuck in this Florida freeway swamp, I might as well enjoy it, so I meander over to the swimming pool and jump in… ah.
The sun is baking the pool and I swim around for a few hours. I go back to the RV for lunch and then decide, as evening rolls around, I am going to go back and sit in the Jacuzzi and I am excited to find out that, the Jacuzzi is empty. All the old fuckers have gone to early dinner and I have the place to myself.
So I get in and, oh my god, my balls are floating around in the bubbles and the jets are beating on my back and it feels so good that I think I could actually die and go to whirlpool heaven.
The bar is open so I meander up to it and have the bartender make me a martini, whereupon I go right back to that Jacoo and sit there sipping my dirty, enjoying those magic bubbles. The palm trees were bristling in the wind that had kicked up in the late afternoon, the sun was setting and I was in heaven. I could not have wished to be in a better spot, the gin hit my senses and I was lulled into Jacuzzi heaven, when all of the sudden, I got the urge to pull my pants down and let the jets shoot water up my ass. I love it when Jacuzzi water shoots up my ass or I let the jets blow on my armpits and scrotum. The sensation tickles and it’s really intoxicating.
What I had not figured on, was the pressure of the jets. That water shot up inside my anus like a jet blast on steroids. In fact, the pressure was so strong that it blew my anus lips apart, water shot inside me and it acted like an instant enema.
I had to shit so badly, I could barely stand it.
Instantly, I cramped up. My bowels ached and I couldn’t even get up out of the Jacuzzi, left with no choice, I let loose and released my bowels into the Jacuzzi.
The turds popped up to the surface like airbags caught in the whirlpool jets, they encircled the Jacuzzi and swirled around there, like teabags caught in a jet stream.
Spinning fast & furious.
What could I do?
I sat there for a minute, waiting for the jets to blow the turds apart, so they would disintegrate and dissipate and leave no trace.
I felt like the character in Edgar Allan Poe’s, The Tell Tale Heart. My heart was beating faster and faster as the turds are frantically bubbling and bashing up against the Jacuzzi walls.
Those turds were swirling around in that cesspool, and they held together like Old Ironsides after it had taken a beating. I had no other option, panic had set in and I decided it was time to escape the bath & make a mad run for it before the turds were discovered, with me hedging.
Just as I am rushing out of the Jacoo, three couples approached and stepped into the water, as I was stepping out. By this time, I’m sweating bullets, I grab my towel on the back of the chaise, start to wrap up so I can make a run for it. Just as I was about to leave, all six of the people who got in the Jacoo, sunk down into the steamy turd bath.
They were sitting there, up to their necks in bubbles and turds-
four of them, and they were rather large. At least four to six inches long, each of them. But I didn’t have a tape measure on me, wink- wink.
You'll have to take my word for it.
I looked one last time and was astonished. Three of my turds were floating around one lady’s neck at Whirlpool speeds, and the fourth was dolloping around her husband‘s throat and mouth like it was lounging on a raft, bumping up against his lips.
The couples were oblivious.
I threw back the last of my martini, turned and ran like the dickens.
I left the pool deck area and was running across the parking lot laughing so hard, I thought I might fall down… when all of the sudden, I heard ear piercing screams.
When I got to our RV, I was practically choking in hysterics and laughter.
I was hunched over, clutching my stomach and guts, and couldn’t speak. I cramped up with laughter.
Although it was an accident, I cherish the day.
I’ll never forget seeing that lady's face bristling with bubbles & turds.
Let’s hope her husband didn’t inhale.