Sunday, October 30, 2011

The Cops, Me, Mennonites and Jesus

Oh God.
We're staying at Assateague state park for a few days and we actually had the sheriff called on us two nights ago. We're traveling in our land yacht with the dogs, and we're staying in a section of the campground that doesn't allow dogs. We snuck them in, since they're only Yorkshire terriers, two of them, that weigh five pounds each.
Some ass-wipe black guy in the dog section saw my little Zoey over here in the dog free section and called the cops on me.

Not once, but twice.

The first time the park ranger asked if I had a dog, because the dick-wad reported me, I lied and said no. I told them it was someone else who had a dog, pointed to the left and said: they went that way.
The second time, the county sheriff was actually called & came out. I'm quite certain the black guy who reportedly called on me, probably thought he was segregated because let's face it, I'm white and have a dog and I'm in the 'elite' section, and he's not. And he's black, has a dog and he's in the no amenities, segregated section. Oh, and he's huge. I would have beaten him up, if it weren't for the fact that he's about 6'5" and muscular, and I'm 5'11" and gay.

According to some people who talked to him, he's royally pissed.

We don't want to stay in the dog section because there is no water or electric power there, and they probably have to pee in a piss pot and shit in the bushes. It's been cold and I'm rather delicate when it comes to my luxuries. We need heat, I need my laptop and MiFi charged, and I need hot water and lights, because I have a china cabinet in the land yacht, and I need to have my pretty things lit up at night. It's like gay camping. Anyway, the sheriff came and he was so mad, he screamed and spit at me for ten or fifteen minutes before he calmed down. Called us liars and demanded to see: "the dog."

Little did he know we actually had two dogs, because Tony threw our little Haley in the closet when I screamed: oh crap the cops are here, hide the dogs!
Zoey was standing at the doorway with her tongue hanging out when the sheriff spotted her. The park ranger was there, too. A slight woman who giggled when she saw Zoey

The sheriff demanded driver's licenses, vehicle registration, I thought he might handcuff me... fortunately, I have fake tags that say my dogs are service dogs. I threw that in the sheriff's face. I also have a medical card that shows a relatively recent surgery and two letters from my doctor that say I am traveling with my dogs, and that she recommends it because of my, 'condition'.

Whatever that is.

She probably wrote that letter on my behalf, knowing there is nothing really wrong with me, however knowing that I can be an emotional nut-case at the drop of a hat and that I tend to have high anxiety. I've actually broken down in her office and cried before. Sometimes I can appear to be so gay. So, shoot me.

That sheriff was so pissed that you would have thought I had plutonium inside my land yacht and that I was engaged in making nuclear bombs or something. Fortunately, the fake service tags look real, and on the back they have instruction from the American Dissabilities Act saying I can't be segregated or discriminated against for any reason. So they were forced to let me stay in the camping section with electricity. The sheriff started asking me  a whole bunch of questions: why I am traveling so much, what is my physical problem and other nosy bullshit questions that, according to my fake service dog tags, he's not allowed to ask me.
It's against the law.

I could get real service dog tags, because I qualify with the letter from my doctor, however they want a lot of money for real ones. That's why I got the cheap fake ones.

So, I answered his questions anyway, because I'm like that. I have a blabber mouth and will engage and talk to anybody at the drop of a hat. I love talking to people, I learn a lot from it and honestly, what do I care if he wants to know why I am a mental case? I know he's freaking out because my 'service dog' weighs five pounds.

He says, 'What exactly is it she does for you?"
So I say,

Oh... I am on-

m     e     d     i     c     a     t     i     o    n

-(his eyes widen) and see, I know she's tiny, but I used to have big dogs. In fact, my last dog was a 70 pound Doberman Pins... and at this point, I actually wet up a bit, thinking of my little lap-dog Doberman named Ranger. Oh, and I didn't give him that stupid name, he came with the name. Some asstard straight couple was getting a divorce and could no longer keep him. I got him when he was two years old, and I didn't have the heart to start calling him by another name -like Duke, or Duddly or some-other dumb name.
I mean, who the fuck names a Doberman, Ranger? God I hated that name, but he was my 'baby' and by this time, I am shaking a bit because let's face it, I've had the cops called on me twice... so I'm sitting there shaking a bit, wetting-up a bit while telling this guy I'm on:


-as he's glancing over my medical card that says my entire left shoulder, ball and socket, plus the humerus has been reconstructed out of titanium. I think he started feeling sorry for me, because his cheeks looked like they were on fire when he first pulled up to the front of our land yacht, like a scene out of Blazing Saddles or something, and now his cheeks were white again and the forehead un-furrowed a bit.
And he says,

W   h   a   t

k   i   n   d

o   f

m   e   d  i  c  a  t  i  o  n

And I know he's not allowed to ask me that, but I blurt out:

I have mental issues.

Which of course, I do  -but very mildly.

Doesn't everyone?

But, I haven't taken medication in over two years, but he doesn't know that. I do have a lovely collection of pain pills, muscle relaxants, butt-cream, Trazodone and Lexapro. I really should call my doctor and tell her I'm running low on Dilaudid.

At this point, he softens and winks at me and says, 'well, we'll just call this a little misunderstanding then, and feel free to walk your dog all over the campground without any fear of retribution, or anything. You will enjoy it here, and you can walk Zoey on the beach and all... there's a lovely section just over there where you can see the horses...'

and then they quietly got in the squad car, tipped their hats and smiled at me while I waved like a retard, so they would know they really were dealing with a real nut case, for certain.
That was close.
I actually take a deep breath and I'm screaming and jumping up and down like I'm having an epileptic siezure screaming at Tony: thank God I got that letter from my doctor and ordered those fake service dog tags on the Internet!
Woo hoo! What a coup.

And we had our windows open, so we started talking very loudly:




We're saying it as loudly as we can, so everybody who may have reported us, hears it. And then I think: maybe I should walk Zoey over to the segregated section where the big black guy is, and ask him what it's like over there with no amenities... when all of the sudden, five run down, crappy looking RV's pull in next to us and guess who gets out?


Oh for crap's sake. Do you mean I am going to have to spend the weekend staring at Mennonites?
I can actually feel my ball sack tighten up a bit, and my peen goes completely soft. My nipples harden.

Yep. Mennites.

What the fuck?

I'm not one hundred percent certain I even know what a Mennonite is...
except I know they're closely related to Amish and Quakers, and their license plates say: PENNSYLVANIA and I think: yep, weirdos. 

The women look like pasty white pansies. I start wondering if the husbands will try to beat me up or something. They have a little pink in their skin, on the cheeks,  a bit of fresh blush. Their skin is so white it's nearly translucent. They have little hats taped to their heads with giant Bobby pins and they are all wearing pink and white jackets with fake fur on the hood. Honestly, it's not that cold out side. It's windy, and in the 60's, and they're dressed as if it's going to snow at any minute. They also have on long blue jean skirts that skirt the ankles and they are wearing Uggs.


Damn they look Uggly. Who the fuck wears Uggs any more? They're outdated and make people look like clod hoppers. I swear, straight people can be so tacky when it comes to clothing. I bet these Mennonites live on a commune in PA. somewhere and don't even know any gay people, and they certainly don't know about fashion.
Long skirts with Uggs? Bobby pins with cotton caps?


Well, it's obvious. They're Mennonites and let's face it, they lead very sheltered, closed-minded backwards archaic lives. I mean, I know a bit about Quakers, and Skaker Quakers and Amish... and I know Mennonites believe in a bit of technology, whereas I don't think the Amish do.
I start feeling sorry for the women: oppressed by their husbands. Thoughts of Mormons and polygamists run through my head.

And for Christ's sake, they're wearing Uggs!

And the children.

They have children.

Lots of them.

And the little girls are dressed the same way: long skirts, winter coats with fake fur and Uggs.

They're indoctrinating those poor, innocent little people into their cult. This morning I had thoughts running through my head, about taking my little dog outside, and then telling the little kids:
Your mommy and daddy are lying to you. Then I imagine saying something like: you don't see magic invisible Jesus anywhere, do you? (they're all shaking their heads no) and I continue: your mommy and daddy don't see magic invisible Jesus either, yet they're lying to you and telling you that invisible magic Jesus is watching your every move... but you all remember now, while yer growing up, the nice man told you it's all...


And then I imagine that as I turn away, smiling and waving... I say, very softly-

bye now,

and remember,

there's no such thing as

M     A     G      I     C          J      E      S      U      S....

*voice trails off in a soft echo.

So then I start reading about Mennonites and learn how they migrated here from the Netherlands, Germany, blah blah blah. Settled in Pennsylvania seeking to avoid persecution, welcomed by William Penn who at the time, was looking for colonists in his territory, while the Mennonites were looking for a place to escape discrimination and persecution. Mostly from the Catholic church from whom they broke away from, many centuries earlier.
You know how nutty Catholics are... dunking their babies heads in 'holy water', I mean honestly? How nutty do you have to be to believe water can be, 'holy' and then actually dunk your baby's head in it, or worse, schvitz the baby with it all over its innocent little face? And then there's the transubstantiation bullshit where idiotic Catholics think that eating a cracker and slurping down a gulp of wine is actually eating the body and blood of Jesus Christ because some moron who calls himself a 'priest' waves his hands over the mess while speaking mumbo jumbo and jibberish.

I mean, shit -even the Mennonites are smart enough that they don't believe that load of crap.
That's why they walked away from the Catholic Church and their insanity, which is:






-spewed down from generations of idiots who think magic Jesus is real. They think magic is real.
Of course, none of them have ever seen magic things happen, and magic Jesus has never appeared before any of them, yet they continue to insist with all their might, and messed up cult-infused brains, that magic Jesus is all around them, watching everything they do... mostly making certain they don't engage in sex even if it's with themselves. God created the human body, he created orgasm and fantastic sensation, but for Christ's sake, don't enjoy your own body, or you'll go to hell.


But they're very quiet. In fact, they're a shy people. They won't look you in the eye, mostly. They glance down a bit, socially awkward and backwards like most religious, cultist groups that live mostly segregated lives. Anyone or anything outside of their small social world is frightening to them. 
And then I read how they are a peaceful people, refusing war and fighting. They're against it and during the war, they were conscientious objectors, refusing to serve in Canada and the United States in any way. In the states they were allowed to work Civilian Public Service and avoid the war.

Don't they know our country fought a war to end tyranny from the King of England? America's founders founded the country on freedom of religion by fighting a war. And they have the nerve to come here and refuse to fight and kill people? It's un-American.
Why, I ought to go over there and bitch-slap the shit out of them.
The nerve!

What's wrong with them?

The first permanent settlement of Mennonites in the American Colonies consisted of one Mennonite family and twelve Mennonite-Quaker families of Dutch extraction who arrived from Krefeld, Germany, in 1683 and settled in Germantown, Pennsylvaia. Among these early settlers was William Rittenhouse a lay minister and owner of the first American paper mill, Jacob Gottschalk was the first bishop of this Germantown congregation. This early group of Mennonites and Mennonite-Quakers wrote the first formal protest against slavery in the United States. The treatise was addressed to slave-holding Quakers in an effort to persuade them to change their ways.

I wonder what they did during the Civil War? Protest quietly? Gee, that wasn't going to work. The Civil War was the bloodiest battle ever fought on American soil. Wasn't it? It took a whole lotta fighting to end slavery in America. Maybe the Mennonites just stayed home and watched television while making war cookies & sold them like the girl scouts, to raise money for the cause? No, that doesn't make sense.
It's a good thing I didn't shoot them or anything.
I don't have a gun. Maybe I could have stabbed them to death with my kitchen knife.

No, I am non-violent myself.

At least I am not a Mennonite.

I had no idea they were peaceful wimps. Wonder what they would do if someone went after them? Cover their eyes and scream like little girls? Okay, see, that's the crazy in me. My brain thinks like that, and the reason why some people call me sexist. That is sexist, right? Or maybe not. What do you call people who dislike Mennonites? Don't answer that.

I would have liked to call the county Sheriff on them. "Um, hello? Yes, there are a group of peaceful people camping next to me, and although they're super quiet and seem like really nice, lovely people, they're bugging the shit out of me because they believe in invisible magic Jesus and other spooky stories, can you come arrest them for me?"

Maybe Assateague State park should allow dogs in all of the camping areas, and segregate the Mennonites.

I'm hoping they will leave today. They have a lot of kids, and it's Sunday. Shouldn't they be in church or something?
Praying to their invisible magic Jesus?
Don't those little ratty children of theirs have to be in school tomorrow?
Oh good, they're packing up and leaving. Bye bye. Smell ya later.

And for Christ's sake, get rid of the Uggs. 


Coincidentally, I had been watching a documentary on PBS about John Muir, a Scottish-born American naturalist who had a very strict religious upbringing. In fact, his father Daniel thought that anything that distracted from bible studies was frivolous and punishable. So he beat the shit out of his son like a good Disciple of Christ, scared the crap out of him, and gave him lashings for just being a normal, young boy and a human being. His father was such a nutball, like many Christians, filled with nutty and crazy ideas, that he would give his kid lashings and then have him build a giant bonfire. Then he would threaten his son by asking John what he thought it would be like to actually fall into the fire, and burn forever. He told the boy, that's what Hell is like.

I mean, really, how the fuck would he know? Has he ever been there? Do Christians really have to make up such bat-shit crazy stories and scare the hell out of innocent children? The kid would be scrapping on the playground, or looking for bird's nests and his father would beat the ever-living crap out of him. Nice guy.

By the age of eleven,  By age 11, young Muir had learned to recite "by heart and by sore flesh" all of the New Testament and most of the Old Testament. Fortunately, he was an intelligent man, and although he remained deeply religious, in his writings, he later described the conventional image of a Creator "as purely a manufactured article as any puppet of a half-penny theater."

Well, at least he grew up a little bit, which is what we can't say of most religious nuts. He went on to embrace science, and came up with natural explanations for things on earth and specialized in botany. But, that's how nutty the Christian are, I swear, they will believe anything.

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